Our Journey ~ Life After an Autism Diagnosis...: teetering...

So it's been a bit since I've wrote.. I've actually wanted to quite a few times but by the time I had the chance to write in peace I'd be passed out before I had the chance to do anything. Plus, I'm trying really hard to not have this be one big pity party. I can't help it lately. I'm usually pretty good about pulling myself together and just doing what needs to be done, but life is just sucking the life out of me so to speak. I'm exhausted. Physically, and mentally. Our every day has become so much more challenging for me since Angie's been mobile. They were both sick last week, Joel had croup, Angie a cold.. Then I got it. Angie has another tooth coming in so shes been super grouchy/clingy. I just don't get a minute to myself.. If it weren't for all of Joel's therapists I don't know how I would get to half of what I get done. It's embarrassing having people come to the house when its a disaster. Then I make an effort to clean it over the weekend.. had it looking really good, and it was destroyed again within a day. I've been struggling to even cook dinner. both kids cry at the gate because they want in the kitchen. (when I broil, i cant let them in for obvious safety reasons) when I'm not broiling, I do let them in and try to engage them as much as possible. but there is just not enough of me.. there is not enough time in the day.. and lately I've been getting so mad, and honestly depressed that I'm doing this alone. It shouldn't be this way. When I got married and decided to have kids this is so not how I envisioned my life. I love my babies more than anything in this world, I hate feeling like theres not enough of me. They come first. Most days I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I forget everything. I cant go to the bathroom and shut the door, or both kids cry at the door. Letting them in is even worse. Meal times I juggle feeding them both... If I'm lucky I can sneak a bite for myself before it gets cold. Showering.... its soooo hard to find the time to take a shower. I usually take advantage of one of his therapists being here.. but its become a luxury. (those 5 minutes of alone time.. and getting clean...) sleep... I'm lucky if I get 4 hours a night. I feel like its partially my own fault. Joel's in my bed, Angie in a crib next to my bed. Angie is a terrible sleeper. Shes up normally every 2 hours like clock work. The past few weeks its been worse with her being sick and teething. She wakes Joel up. So then hes crying.. it sucks. It sucks not having some one here to help me when their both screaming at 3am. and I have to get up to go make a bubba, and leave them both crying. My attempts at getting Joel into his own room have failed miserably.. and Ive been thinking about moving Angie into that room. But I cant deal with her crying. This is my epic fail as a parent. I don't know how people do the cry it out method.. I cant. I'm physically/mentally not capable. All of this is just taking a toll on me.. its getting harder to stuff down... I have a hard time not crying at many times throughout the day.. usually when I'm overwhelmed. As much as I don't want this to be a pity party, I just honestly need to get it out. Now that all that's off my chest, I'll try to come up to speed with Joel. He's been doing great. His speech has come so far, he says the funniest things sometimes! The past few weeks have been tough sensory wise. I think the cold weather and not being able to get outside have taken its toll. We also had a compression vest on loaner from EI, but had to give it back. It really seemed to help him regulate when he would start acting crazy. Not having it I've realized how much it was really helping. He's been hitting himself alot, and also pushing Angie down. (which drives me crazy) I've attempted every form of punishment, from time outs in the corner, to gating him in my room, getting down on his level, talking, being stern, even yelled really loud before he'd do it to try and prevent it. Seems lately I've been able to re-direct him to hug her if i can catch it before it happens.. He gets REALLY tense sometimes when hes un-regulated, and starts hitting me.. and lately has put that towards Angie.. I literally cant take my eye off them for 2 seconds. Hes started head banging again, which he hadn't done for months. But its not all bad, hes come so far that i've been really trying to focus on that. More often than not, hes sooooooooooooooooooo sweet with Angie. It melts my heart when they love each other. And shes my little spit fire!! Shes so flipping smart! Walking at 10 months, she says so many words, will mimic anything!! she says the obvious mama, bubba, she also says book, more, up, baby, auntie, papa and my new favorite "IM MAD" she says it at the most appropriate times too, its so funny! (she said it in the car ride home from the doctor after getting shots!) she can also point to eyes, nose and mouth on her baby doll. It is soooooo amazing looking at her development in comparison to Joel's. When Joel was her age I did start realizing that he was a little behind, but had nothing really to compare him to, so never thought anything of it. But he never responded to his name, pointed, waived, and he did actually have words at 10 months, But lost them around 14 months. I wonder sometimes if I had Angie first what I would have done differently with Joel.. But I wonder a lot of things and stop myself as quick as it happens. I don't have time to wonder.. we are where we are, and that's enough for my brain at the moment. if that makes any sense.

So this week is Thanksgiving. We're going to my moms, my sister will be there with her 3 kids and husband, my brother, his girlfriend, my parents, and my aunt and her husband. I'm planning on sitting on the couch and doing NOTHING. Let my family enjoy seeing and being with the kids, and relax my back. (my back is KILLLLLLLLLLLLING me.. between Joel being 40 lbs, and lugging Angie around her her infant seat (at 23 lbs, plus the seat) my back is super cranky lately. So I'm actually looking forward to having other people around to help me. Now, to end on a good note... I have lots of pics to post!! :o) Taking photos makes me happy, looking back at them does as well! Hope you enjoy them as much as I do! :o) Love these babies so much!