teetering...

So it's been a bit since I've wrote.. I've actually wanted to quite a few times but by the time I had the chance to write in peace I'd be passed out before I had the chance to do anything.  Plus, I'm trying really hard to not have this be one big pity party.  I can't help it lately.  I'm usually pretty good about pulling myself together and just doing what needs to be done, but life is just sucking the life out of me so to speak.   I'm exhausted. Physically, and mentally.  Our every day has become so much more challenging for me since Angie's been mobile.  They were both sick last week, Joel had croup, Angie a cold.. Then I got it.  Angie has another tooth coming in so shes been super grouchy/clingy.  I just don't get a minute to myself.. If it weren't for all of Joel's therapists I don't know how I would get to half of what I get done.   It's embarrassing having people come to the house when its a disaster.  Then I make an effort to clean it over the weekend.. had it looking really good, and it was destroyed again within a day. I've been struggling to even cook dinner.  both kids cry at the gate because they want in the kitchen.  (when I broil, i cant let them in for obvious safety reasons)  when I'm not broiling, I do let them in and try to engage them as much as possible.  but there is just not enough of me.. there is not enough time in the day.. and lately I've been getting so mad, and honestly depressed that I'm doing this alone.  It shouldn't be this way.  When I got married and decided to have kids this is so not how I envisioned my life.  I love my babies more than anything in this world, I hate feeling like theres not enough of me.  They come first.  Most days I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I forget everything.  I cant go to the bathroom and shut the door, or both kids cry at the door.  Letting them in is even worse.  Meal times I juggle feeding them both... If I'm lucky I can sneak a bite for myself before it gets cold.  Showering.... its soooo hard to find the time to take a shower.  I usually take advantage of one of his therapists being here.. but its become a luxury.  (those 5 minutes of alone time.. and getting clean...)  sleep... I'm lucky if I get 4 hours a night.  I feel like its partially my own fault.  Joel's in my bed, Angie in a crib next to my bed.  Angie is a terrible sleeper.  Shes up normally every 2 hours like clock work.  The past few weeks its been worse with her being sick and teething.  She wakes Joel up. So then hes crying.. it sucks.  It sucks not having some one here to help me when their both screaming at 3am.  and I have to get up to go make a bubba, and leave them both crying.  My attempts at getting Joel into his own room have failed miserably..  and Ive been thinking about moving Angie into that room.  But I cant deal with her crying.   This is my epic fail as a parent.  I don't know how people do the cry it out method.. I cant.  I'm physically/mentally not capable.  All of this is just taking a toll on me.. its getting harder to stuff down... I have a hard time not crying at many times throughout the day.. usually when I'm overwhelmed.  As much as I don't want this to be a pity party, I just honestly need to get it out.   Now that all that's off my chest, I'll try to come up to speed with Joel.  He's been doing great.  His speech has come so far, he says the funniest things sometimes!  The past few weeks have been tough sensory wise. I think the cold weather and not being able to get outside have taken its toll.  We also had a compression vest on loaner from EI, but had to give it back.  It really seemed to help him regulate when he would start acting crazy.  Not having it I've realized how much it was really helping.  He's been hitting himself alot, and also pushing Angie down.  (which drives me crazy)   I've attempted every form of punishment, from time outs in the corner, to gating him in my room, getting down on his level, talking, being stern, even yelled really loud before he'd do it to try and prevent it.  Seems lately I've been able to re-direct him to hug her if i can catch it before it happens..  He gets REALLY tense sometimes when hes un-regulated, and starts hitting me.. and lately has put that towards Angie.. I literally cant take my eye off them for 2 seconds.  Hes started head banging again, which he hadn't done for months.  But its not all bad, hes come so far that i've been really trying to focus on that.  More often than not, hes sooooooooooooooooooo sweet with Angie.   It melts my heart when they love each other.  And shes my little spit fire!!  Shes so flipping smart!  Walking at 10 months, she says so many words, will mimic anything!! she says the obvious mama, bubba, she also says book, more, up, baby, auntie, papa and my new favorite "IM MAD"  she says it at the most appropriate times too, its so funny!  (she said it in the car ride home from the doctor after getting shots!)   she can also point to eyes, nose and mouth on her baby doll.  It is soooooo amazing looking at her development in comparison to Joel's.  When Joel was her age I did start realizing that he was a little behind, but had nothing really to compare him to, so never thought anything of it.  But he never responded to his name, pointed, waived, and he did actually have words at 10 months, But lost them around 14 months.  I wonder sometimes if I had Angie first what I would have done differently with Joel.. But I wonder a lot of things and stop myself as quick as it happens.  I don't have time to wonder.. we are where we are, and that's enough for my brain at the moment.   if that makes any sense.

So this week is Thanksgiving.  We're going to my moms, my sister will be there with her 3 kids and husband, my brother, his girlfriend, my parents, and my aunt and her husband.  I'm planning on sitting on the couch and doing NOTHING.  Let my family enjoy seeing and being with the kids, and relax my back.  (my back is KILLLLLLLLLLLLING me.. between Joel being 40 lbs, and lugging Angie around her her infant seat (at 23 lbs, plus the seat) my back is super cranky lately.   So I'm actually looking forward to having other people around to help me.   Now, to end on a good note... I have lots of pics to post!!  :o)    Taking photos makes me happy, looking back at them does as well!  Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!  :o)   Love these babies so much!

  my sunshine!

below is Joel at hypo therapy, and my epic fail of having both kids sleeping in bed with me!

 
I cant believe how fast their growing up!

 

 
left is ang and joel at OT, and right is morning snack so i could cook breakfast!

Mama's turkey!  He's def. a mamas boy!

 

Are they not the CUTEST!  the pic of joel w. the stach KILLS Me!! :o) 

 

I let angie try to feed herself and on the right took Joel to Build a bear, he LOVED making Rudolph.

 
 I love when they love eachother!!  :o)

Leaving builda  bear!  

 

 

When it rains it pours..

So let me start off by saying that this probably wont have much to do with Joel.. I just need to vent... BADLY.  As I'm sure you know, I'm a photographer.  I worked a wedding last weekend, everything went great.. was there for 10 hours and took 1,700 photos.  I went through them that night, and they were all on the card, I deleted a few that I didnt like.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted to say the least, so I went right to bed.  When I tried uploading the photos, I took the memory card out of my camera, put them in my laptop.. and it said that the files were corrupt.  My heart sank.. I literally had a panic attack, but thought that there was no way that this is possible.  Well.. It was possible... and a week later, i'm no further along with this situation than I was when I started.  I did a ton of research online, and apparently this is common.  I downlowded 2 data recovery softwares, which is supposed to be the easy fix.  Neither worked.  I brought the card to best buy.. they said it would be $600 to send it off to a lab, to retireve the data on the stored memory chip.  I know the photos are still on there because in the data recovery programs I downloaded I could see that the card was full.  I also found a guy in Australia that is $200 cheaper then best buy, and tons of people recommended him.  But I was scared to send it off, and after all my failed attempts I had to face the music and tell my client after she got back from her honey moon.   Ive been crying all week about this, sooo sick to my stomach, literally couldn't shake the feeling.  I cried the whole time talking to her.. explained everything I just wrote.. the chances are that the files are retrievable.. its just a matter of figuring out how.  Of all the times, of all the jobs for this to happen, it has to be a wedding?!?!?!  REALLY?  why couldn't it have been my own kids, or even someone Else's kids that I could just do a re-shoot??
Anyway, my client was surprisingly very understanding, said she knew it wasn't my fault, and just wanted to figure out how to get it fixed.  Now obviously money is an issue.  I have in my contract that they signed that I'm in no way liable for any faulty equipment. HOWEVER, I couldn't just leave her on the hook..  I know its not her fault, its not my fault, its just a shitty thing... I only got paid $500 for the wedding.. and I paid an assistant $100 for helping me that day.. So no matter how I look at it, I'm screwed.  I offered to refund her every dime she gave me, because she said she would like to take over getting them retrieved.  She didn't want the card sent off anywhere.  I told her when she gets the photos back, to send them to me, and I'll still edit them.  I just cannot believe that this has happened.  Ive been so upset all week I literally cant focus on anything. I spent most of the money too, the day after the wedding, I was rushing out the house, got Joel a drink, and when I came back 6 hours later, my fridge was wide open... so I had to throw out everything in my fridge.. and go buy all new stuff... which ate up $200, of the $400 i had left after paying my assistant..I bought my daughter a much needed car seat..and the other $100 I spent on recovery software trying to recover the photos myself... I'm constantly saying if I didn't have bad luck id have no luck at all.. Why does this shit always happen to me?!?   I'm not going to have any more of a pity party for myself then I've already had...  would just appreciate some prayers that these photos can be recovered.. As much as the money sucks.. right before Christmas... I'm honestly more worried about this lady having photos of her wedding day... UGH.. FML.

Someone please tell me it gets easier... :o/

So today was a mixed bag... Angie took her first real official steps. (walked across the room, like 10 steps)  she had been taking one or 2 all day, then chickening out and gradually as the day went on, she took more and more!  This makes me happy, proud and so sad all at the same time.. I hate that shes growing up so fast.  Also I had a rough day with Joel.. he just hasn't been himself these past few days.. today he kept pushing Angie down when she was trying to walk.. I gave him time outs, which he thought was a game, and laughed.. and then thought pushing Angie down, then getting a time out was our new game.. he has a hard time picking up my emotions.. he had no idea that i was mad.. he really thought we were playing.. and i couldn't get through to him, which was really frustrating.  He then went on a 2 hour stim kick.. and I couldn't snap him out of that either..plah doh saved the day.  He was just sooo dis regulated, and shaking, and spinning, and running/crashing/tensing up..  he seriously looks like a crazy person when he gets like that and I hate watching it and being sooo helpless.  I tried everything to re-direct him, usually music is my go too, it seemed to make it worse today. I hate thinking about whats going on in his head.. what could he possibly be thinking during these "fits".. he looks like hes going through so much, and his poor little self just cant handle it and he just starts acting crazy.  I HATE IT.  I'm at a loss about what to do about him pushing Angie down.  He really didnt pick up how mad I was.. (especially after he had done it repeatedly after me telling him not to) and then he'd laugh while in the time outs. and get up, so id have to carry him back.. (hes 40 lbs).. doing that over and over again is beyond exhausting.. physically and mentally.. and while I'm fighting w. him to stay in time out, Angie takes her first real steps across the room, and I missed it.. trying to deal with him. :o(  ::sigh:: just one of those days..  Then I had to drive about 40 minutes away to drop off photos for a client.. I had to bring both kids. They both fell asleep the whole ride there, which sucked because It obviously made for a rougher bed time.  But on the way home we were driving past one of my favorite restaurants.. (the chateau)  I was starving, the kids hadn't eaten.. I convinced myself that I could handle both kids in a restaurant by myself.. sounded like a good idea...just getting them into the restaurant alone was a project. there was no parking in the first 2 close lots, so i had to park in west bubble f*ck... rather then carrying Angie's heavy car seat I opted to pull her out, and carry her on my hip, while holding Joel's hand.. (and my purse and huge camera bag on my shoulder)  *I'm to scared to leave my camera in the car.  So we got in after a short walk, and wait to cross a ridiculously busy street.. wait to be seated.. I put Joel in a booster, Angie in the high chair.. we order.. and everything starts off fine.  Joel was coloring.. as was Angie.. gave me hope.  Then the bread came, I let Joel have a little bit. (didn't want to give him a lot because he fills up and then wont eat his dinner) he threw a fit when he wanted more. Angie kept pulling the place mats out from under me, spilling my water all over the table, which made Joel freak out when he got water on him.  trying to eat was nearly impossible while managing feeding both kids.. I was encouraging Joel to feed himself.. which hes perfectly capable of, but he wasn't having it tonight, he wanted to be fed. His few attempts of feeding himself resulted of him brushing his hair with spaghetti and sauce...  I maybe ate 1/4 of my  meal before throwing in the towel.  the booster seat  was a nightmare.. I wound up having to take it away, which freed him up.. he wanted to dance while standing on the seat.. and yell at the top of his lungs.. "tideeeey - ooooooooooo, tideyyyyy ooooooo"   (a song from his music therapy class)  ::sigh::  that was our cue to leave.. so I got our dinners to go, then struggled to get back to the car, while carrying Angie, holding 2 dinners, my purse, my camera, and holding Joel's hand across a busy street. .. just one of those days... :o/    it ended good though, they were both covered in spaghetti sauce so I gave them both tubs.. then played with them after for a while.. it was good quality time *much needed after the day we had.* filled with lots of snuggles with both my babies. Their now sleeping soundly.  ::sigh:: hoping tomorrow is a little better.. even tho its our crazy day... 9am-5pm therapy.. back and forth from the center 4 times... 1 hr break for lunch... ::sigh::  i hope Joel is feeling better tomorrow.. One can hope anyway! So I said in a previous post I was going to try to end things on a good note.. something positive..  This week I kinda just want to brag.  I'm not sure if your aware of a facebook page called "the cutekid"  but it's a pretty big page (with over 500k likes)  and they have a cute kid contest every month.  Well I entered my kids in their October contest, and WE WON!!!  out of over 4,000 entries, my kids got picked as the cutest kids!!  their photos is currently The CuteKids' main facebook photo, we won a $100 gift card to toys r us as well!   I was one proud momma!!!  :o)  will share photos below! Goodnight.

this is the photo that won the cute kid contest!!

 

 

below are just a few of our recent boutique modeling photos, to cute to not share! Rudolph/abominable snowman!! 

 

 

MY FAV PIC FROM THE DAY BELOW!!!  HOW SWEET IS THIS!!!